I know I haven’t written in a while.

I also know that I exaggerate and sometimes experience things/make a bigger deal out of things than necessary. Knowing this does not, however change how I feel. It’s just being aware of my feelings in relationship to how I think others would experience the same.

In all honesty, I can’t quite decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

On that note, I think I might just break up all the things that I’m thinking into a bunch of posts. That may give me a moment to process it all.

First, as you can tell in my last post, I’m a little frustrated in the ex/love life department. On one level, I’d just as well be done with the whole affair and just kiss him goodbye. Remember him as a wonderful relationship where I grew up on so many levels. But financially and practically that isn’t possible for too many reasons to list here.

So that means that we still talk. I have to be mature enough not to be emotionally attached to our conversations. Boy is it hard. I think I’m managing alright, but I think sometimes it’s manifesting itself in other ways in my life. Like the fact that my leg has started to fall asleep alot. I know this is somehow related. I just have to figure out how. Hmph.

I have to also be guarded enough not to say too much, and remind myself not to get my feelings hurt. On another level, I also have to remind myself not to say things to hurt him or belittle the time we had. I really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be remembered that way. I was once told that what people always remember is how you enter and exit a room. I want this to be the most graceful exit ever because I had an awesome entrance.
Now that his new dating adventures aren’t a secret to me, he at least feels free enough to discuss them. However, he still lies here and there and for the life of me I can’t understand what he thinks he’s getting out of the lie. I guess at the end of the day it’s not really my business anymore. But still. After it being one’s business for 8 years, it’s hard to turn that part of your heart off.

For example, on New Years Eve, he calls me, wanting to rehash the reason for our breakup. We talk. and we talk. Then, as a way to end it, I kind of shift the conversation to what we’re planning to do that night. We spend a good time talking about who we partying with for the New Year, joking about who we each were taking with us. He kept saying, “Well I’ll be alone this year. All alone.” (I was out of town so it wasn’t like he was trying to get me to have NYE nookie) He told me how he was going to his best friend’s party. And how it would be weird to be there alone. [and it's important to note that this is the friend who introduced us to one another, well his sister (the one throwing the party he was going to) did. but i met the sister through the friend. did you follow that?]

Cut to this morning. We’ve spoken here and there about outstanding bills and the like since that conversation. That same friends sister had another party this past weekend (yeah, they know how to get down!) to which I was invited. I didn’t go. (And for the record, he called me on the way to this party to make sure I was’t going, but tried to frame it as if he just wanted to know what I was doing that night.) He talked alot about how this particular friends sisters have a crush on him, and how they tried to “molest” him in the funniest sense of it. That story was funny, but then when I said, “So I guess the girl you brought with you on New Years wasn’t there.” He paused. Then he was like, “Oh no, she wasn’t.”

That was just a wild guess on my part but then I was like “So why did you tell me you were just going to be alone on NYE?” He then proceeded to stutter. I kept telling him, what difference does it make for him to be honest? He of course has no logical explanation. I know he doesn’t think I’m silly enough to think he sits alone at home waiting on me to come back. I know he knows that such a thought process isn’t even my personality. This makes his lies even more annoying. The haphazard excuse, “Well see I wasn’t taking her. But then I decided nothing else was going on, so I called her back and invited her.” just sounds ridiculous to me. So this broad was waiting all night for a phone call from you on NYE? I know you’re not even attracted to those types. Whatever. I’m so done. This is not the makings of a reunion.

And I’m ok with this. I’m actually more upset that there aren’t more options on my own horizon. I’m jealous that he even has a few girls to rotate between. And it stings every time he asks me “Well, since you know so much about who I’m dating, what’s going on with you?” It’s so funny because there’s nothing to tell. He wants to make it seem like I’m with holding. But. I gots nuttin. I mean. I wanna go out on a Friday night with someone of the opposite sex [stop wining and start flirting!]. I’d love to just have fun with someone without the pressure and weight of a whole relationship.

I should be grateful that the kind of men who want to casually date and screw are simply not attracted to me. I am always the woman they want to take home to momma. It has always been that way for me. So I don’t get date offers except from men who pining away for me and want more than I really want to give. Currently, unlike all my other friends, and many other women my age, this is annoying for me. I just want to date. Meet people. Learn more about myself in the process. Not cook dinners (yes, I was just asked this past weekend by someone who I’m pretty sure has a crush on me if I would make him a Sunday dinner. Meanwhile, I am a dang good cook but can I not start off as Homemaker Betty? Blech.) or How about the 44 year old man with two kids who pesters me and says that he’s ready to settle down for the last time? NO and NO. I know I know, in 10 years I’ll be dying for somebody to want those things from me. I’m, sure. But today. In January of 2008, I just want to go on a no pressure date. Which I’ve never done before in life. Kiss someone who isn’t my boyfriend.

Ok, now put this into context with the fact that as of Thursday night, I had two dates for the weekend. I was SO EXCITED. Nothing too promising, just a distraction. All “met” over this fabulous internet thing.

First there was the ex-musician who I would talk to on the phone who on the surface sounded very cute. Trinidadian. Now into real estate. Apparently, he just wanting to go out on a date. Maybe end the night cuddling. (Uh, yeah. OKAY, riiiight.) Somehow in the excitement of the attention, I forgot to ask for his picture. On Thursday night before our phone goodbyes, I asked him to send me a picture so I could see who I’d be meeting the next night. The 33 year old he described was NOT the individual in the picture he sent. More like 43 which prolly meant he was 53. GROSS! how long did he think I’d be fooled enough to not to notice the affects of father time on his face? Not to mention, my dumb ass knows that the first question men ask is what you look like. It should have clued me in to something being wrong when he never not once asked me. Needless to say, I canceled. No way. Anyways, I had another date lined up for the following night.

This guy that I chatted with for one whole day and a half and it was kind of fun. He was interesting. An artist. I couldn’t tell if he was emo, depressed, or just artsy, but I kind of dug his style. I was very curious to meet him if nothing else just to meet a new cool person. Maybe a casual partner? I sent him my picture and I don’t know why this struck me, but he was the first white guy to ever call me pretty. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’ve waited my whole life for the accolade. If I really think about it, I’ve been complimented from almost every other race. Not to mention, he could’ve just been saying that with hopes that I’d be smitten enough to sex him on the first date. Either way it felt kinda of weird. I guess it just doesn’t seem like a white male would see me the same way. And a little bit it makes me think of the whole secret slave love thing. Like the internet is so anonymous that he could say what he thought, but in real life no way. Mind you, he mentioned meeting me AFTER seeing my picture. This is fact is even more pronounced when we set up a date to meet this weekend and he never called. Nor did he respond to my text message on Saturday confirming. Nor was he online today. Nor did he email me. All in all, it’s no real biggie. But I do wonder what officially frightened him off. Was it something I said? I can’t really keep hashing that over and over. For all I know, he stubbed his toe, got into a car accident, rekindled an old romance, or just changed his mind. Nevertheless, I am still frustrated because this all still means that I really didn’t have a date this weekend. And I was in the house organizing my holiday decorations box on a Saturday night. Whoopee!!

At the end of the day, like this fabulous blog person always says, the common denominator is me. And, I have to accept that and move on.

And.  I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over again.  Hmm.  New topic next time.