I have always had a fantastical romantic imagination. Sometimes I think I experience things bigger, harder, funnier, and more drastic than most.

For example. This time of night, my upstairs neighbor, whom I’ve never met, has made it in for the evening. As I lie here in bed contemplating the ridiculousness of working in a cubicle, all I hear is the sound of lead feet stomping around on creaky floorboards. In my imagination, I picture a 900 pound Shrekish slob whose feet are simply too heavy to lift. He’s got jars of eyeballs and eels floating in formaldehyde that rattle at each step.  I imagine he’s figured out a way to put a teeny hole from his apartment into my bedroom where he watches me.

What I can’t figure out is why he seems to find the same floorboard every night to shuffle over. Back and forth. Back and forth. Trips to the fridge? Checking his jars of body parts? I dunno. But it’s gotta end. It was mildly charming at first, but now I’m kinda over it.

***

I have my first post-relationship crush. I think I do anyways.

I flirted a little with a boy at the company holiday party. A coworker helped me reel him in by sliding his fake money the company gives to fake gamble with out of his hand and putting it into mine. It was definitely a planned attack. After talking/playing with him a little, he ran off to the dance floor. I didn’t really feel like dancing, and I wasn’t sure if he was inviting me to come with him. So I didn’t follow. I write this off as the end of things, happy to have at least been able to innocently flirt a little. I figured he wasn’t too interested and wrote it off.

The next day, the coworker remembers his first name, finds him in the company directory, and emails him – bccing me and another coworker we were with. I shoot him a vague emails as if I didn’t know the other coworker had started emailing him. He’s totally confused, and is asking coworker 1 about stuff he and I had spoken about at the party. He doesn’t know how to respond to the emails I actually send him cuz he’s confused. Coworker 1 politely explains that he has the three of us mixed up. This is when coworker 2 decides to join the fray and she emails him. At this point, I feel like we’re 3 vultures circling a poor poor piece of meat, and I let the others know I’m tapping out. I can’t stand seeming desperate. That is SO unattractive.

So then, I think he somehow remembers who’s who, and emails me directly without sending anything to the other women. We go a few times back and forth with witty banter. Where we left Friday is – it’s on him now to ask me out kinda. (He asked me where he could go dancing, I provided some advice, so if he wants it, he’ll has to invite me with him, right?)

It’s so funny because I feel like those movies where people, after a long marriage and divorce say “How are the younguns doing it these days?” I’m a little rusty on the new flirt dance. I mean seriously. I can be kind of forward…. But I know as much as men hate to admit it, they don’t really respect it. It suggests a certain neediness, and like I said – that is SO unattractive. Plus, I don’t think men (or most people) attracted to things they don’t have to chase. I suppose men don’t get to still hunt down meat in the wild anymore so sex will have to do.

He is def tall, dark, and handsome. Hmm. I don’t really see him that often around the office, so I don’t get a chance to really “work it.” This is a little of frustrating.

The other thing I think about is that I’m not really wanting a relationship, more like a distraction. I feel horrible, but if he’s into it, I fully plan to use him to get over the other one. Someone to go on a few dates with, maybe get dressed up pretty to go out with, etc. At this point in my life I am not really asking for much more. I just can’t handle a relationship. I don’t want/need the responsibility. It’s just too much.

That fantastical part of me just wants the dance of pursuit, a little sex, and some memorable dates. A mutually happy ending where we’re friends of some sort. From what I can tell, I don’t think that really happens in the real world too often. But I can dream, right?

***

But there’s this OTHER coworker that asked me to do a small out of office favor for him. I should have known it would end poorly. He’s old, has a 12 yo daughter, and is now calling me on the weekend “just to see how I’m doing.” I would put money on it the fool is married. WHAT IS IT WITH MARRIED MEN? GO TO YOUR WIFE!

I blew him off the phone. But seriously? Like, this is really stupid. I’m not trying to get that phone call from a distressed wife. I’m really not looking to making this man an asshole to his daughter. And he’s just old. No way am I wasting the last of my twenties with the almost 50 set. No way.

And I really hate when I have to pull out my rude girl antics. i really don’t enjoy being a bitch. But I know that this guy will force me to be mean. He’s sweet enough. Creepy. But sweet enough. Yet I can already tell he’s the type that won’t get it until I tell him to fuck off. You just can’t be nice to men you’re not interested in. The non committal friendliness is just enough for them to love the chase. Dammit! Why did I give this fool my phone number? That was a critical error. Dammit!