So.  I am a mistress.  He hasn’t admitted it to me yet, but being the daughter of a man who openly had one, I know that’s what I am.  I’m not proud of this.  And I hate the fact that I love this man.

I broke up with him on Wednesday.  On Wednesday I was so brave.  I told him it was over, and that I felt like he was basically unavailable to me.  He swore up and down that I was crazy, and that he has told me nothing but the truth.

He’s lying.  I know it.

Oh look!  he just IMmed me.  … LOL

hang on just a bit…….

ok.  he wantedd t skype so no typed words to be recorded.

Needless to say, we me + I should not be and thus no.

oh gosh.

i’ve decided never to contact him again.  so i guess it’s over.

goodbye you.

1 – my next door neighbor has insisted for the past year to learn the tuba. he still can’t even play one whole steady note. how do i start a petition to get him to try a new talent? how about miming? computer gaming? speed reading? anybody?

2 – i am thoroughly entertained by my cat. everyday he does something that makes me laugh. his unconditional love amazes me.

3- 

i have an interview to work for the census bureau in an hour. i don’t want this job because i typically don’t like people. not to mention i’ll feel like a bit of a hypocrite. but i am an over educated “starving artist.” alas. i do what i must.

4 – i have also signed up to start selling “pleasure” products like the avon lady. this should be fun. my mother is of the opinion that my goods won’t sell. we’ll see about that.

5 –

there’s alotta old bills i gotta pay.

6 – i’m tired of liking a boy who doesn’t live in my same city. i’m getting distracted. which, for most people is probably a good thing. but if i know me it means i’ll forget who he is, or why i should even bother keeping up with him.

7 – i lost 10lbs this month. i guess that’s one good thing about being poor. only like 20 more to go!

8 – why do the buttons on my really really cute guess jacket keep falling off. i’ve got like 4 to resew on.

9 – the cute guy i met the other night (when i was with my cousin) found me on a social networking site and has been sending me messages. yeah yeah yeah.

10 – i have always dreamed of living in a 24hour city. i just might have that opportunity this summer. fingers crossed.

11 – i think i blog better in lists than stories. i typically get so overwhelmed with thoughts and overanalyzations of my life that i get too distracted to tell the story right.

so i chatted online (ugh i know) for 3 hours with the DJ from the club we went to last friday. he found me online (you know how you put in your email address? for more “info”) and we just started talking like we’ve known each other for forever. the funny thing is that i had to leave for a meeting, and he’s like well call me from the car. so i did, and we spoke kind of all night. after the meeting, after i got home. it was strange. i’ve never had an encounter like that before.

i can’t quite call what i think about him really. he’s super opinionated – which right now i don’t mind. we’ll see how i feel about it later. but i am in love with music. and i like eccentric people – so if nothing else he could be kind of fun in those areas.

oh, and mr eyes called me last night. he asked to come over. ugh. i really just dont have the energy to keep up with his intensity. and to hash and rehash what the deal is. i don’t want to have sex with him. i’m kind of not interested. i keep asking him can we go out someplace and he’s like….uuuh welll. yeah so that tells me he just wants to come over to have sex. which is annoying. if i were more into it then cool. but i’m not. first of all, he’s a big dude. and, it was kind of fun at first because he made me feel so womanly just by his size alone. but now, i just feel like it’s work to manage a big ol man. plus, naked, he looks like a ginormous baby. it’s becoming a turn-off. the thing is, i can handle turn-offs here and there because i’m sure i’ve got them.

i feel guilty for thinking this because i’m not the skinniest tool in the shed but i’m a far cry from his level of over-weightness. i think i could forget it and be cool with it if i enjoyed being around him more.

however, what i usually do is keep kind of a running total of “points” – this lets me know if here are too many turn-offs to continue, or if i’m just being too picky/just a bitch. well. mr. eyes, has lost too many points. i’ve got to get over the fact that i’m not getting my boots back (oh, i do have to tell that story at some point) and i’m prolly gonna just be with the girls on valentine’s day with no gifts. here are his major infractions:

1. he sniffs for no reason when he’s trying to be cool. actually, he uses it like a comma in a sentence. what is that? a conversation will go like this:
him: so baby girl** (sniff) what we getting into tonight?
me: i don’t know. let’s go to the movies? or have you eaten?
him: yeah (sniff) we can do both.
me: ok. so which movie do you want to see.
him: you know (sniff) the only movie i want to see is you.
do you have a cold?
him: (sniff) no, why?
me: because you’re sniffing constantly.
him: no (sniff) i don’t.

……….

……………..  whatever dude.

2. he always feels like (even though technically he’s 3 years my junior) he has to explain to me the way things are or how to do something in a fatherly way. “Pick up your feet when you walk, baby girl*” “When you pack, you need to write out a to-do list.”
3. he has not a creative bone in his body
4. (a continuation of #2) he likes to tell me what to do – I HATE THIS. for example, once my phone was on vibrate after i’d left a meeting and i’d forgotten. he was calling me because we were going to go out after. i can understand his being upset i didn’t pick up the phone, even though i called him like 20 mins later when i realized my phone had been on vibrate. i apologized and whatever. and he got all upset saying that i should pick up when he calls. … …. …. i told him if I KNEW YOU WERE CALLING I WOULD PICK UP. he just HAD to feel like he was telling someone what to do. so then, when i saw him in person i go – “dont ever think that i am not going to pick up when you call. don’t tell me to do that. if i know you’re calling i’m going to pick up. if i don’t pick up its because i can’t pick up.” you want to know what his answer was? “just be sure to pick up the phone when i call.” SO ANNOYING!!!!!
5. i do not like his friends.
6. i don’t think he makes smart business decisions
7. i couldn’t imagine him hanging around my friends
8. he listens only to mainstream hip hop
9. he likes to smoke in my room. and doesn’t care that i’ve explained to him that that is a big big no no.
10. actually the fact that he is a smoker period drives me insane. it reeks, it makes your breath stank, it gives ME second hand smoke, addiction is a gross habit, and with his weight, i’m afraid of his quality of life in about 20 years.
*11. HE CALLS ME BABY GIRL. wtf. i am a grown assed damn near 30 year old woman. i kind of hate it when he says that. its a tad patronizing or infanticizing. cuz of the way he says it. that and his using it instead of my name when he refers to me to his friends. i know i know he means it as a term of endearment. but for me that’s part of the problem. he’s looking for “that” kind of girl. a baby girl. i want a man that sees me as a woman and wants a real woman.

not a babygirlwoman.

i do have to say that there were some cool things about him. it’s just at this time, i can’t think about them because i kind of want to be done with him. i mean, he opened every car door. he paid for every meal, date, etc. he made me laugh. he always came and picked me up. he never cursed at me. etc, etc. he just wasn’t…..right.

….moving on.

who’d a thunk that going out randomly the other night could have been so much fun. (friday) my cousin and i went out last night, somehow scored seats at a table in a prime location, and two of the cutest guys in the whole joint decided to kick it with us at our table. it was low-key, fun and i needed that.

see, i typically go out in groups with my white friends to white clubs and bars. no biggie. i love all peoples. the thing is. i NEVER get hit on.  i typically write it off to the fact that my white friends are blonde, super cute, one is half-asian (a big winner), and about 15-20 pounds skinnier. i mean, i get it, and i understand what those kind of guys like. especially in the types of places we go. but when i go to black clubs, or anywhere for that matter, where there is a large population of black men – typically, i get noticed. if nothing else a drink or two, a dance invite, or random conversation, my elbow tugged. a wink. a wave, etc etc. the usual out-for-the-night flirting.

i really want to know what the difference is. in my 15 years of partying and clubbing with a majority white crowd, i have NEVER been able to figure this out. i really wonder if there’s something i’m doing differently. i want to understand 1 – why this bothers me. 2 – what the REAL difference is.

for example. i have a fairly close friend we’ll call E.T. – she and I go out almost every weekend together. it is a guarantee that some man, at some point, will come up and talk to her, and more oftentimes than not ask for a phone number. i think she’s pretty, and she’s blond/blue…. i think she’s a lot of fun. HOWEVER, no, not never once had this EVER happened to me while i was in her presence here in the city we live.

well, that was until she and i went to a majority black club in a city (the city of my birth) with a higher population of black men. BOY did the tables turn. it was quite hilarious actually. so much so, that even she said “um, wow. they are all over you tonight! what’s wrong with me?” i looked at her and was like “now you see what i go through.”it IS a little hilarious, really.

now cut to the night before last.  i’m with my new friend i’ll call UN (up north).  UN either has so much game it’s hilarious OR he can’t understand why a woman he says as pretty as me would bother spending time with him.  i think he’s kinda cute.  but whatever.  he will, at random times, stop what he is doing and say : MAN you are so beautiful!  I am SO lucky – you don’t even know.  or  I love your face.  blah blah blah.   His co-worker in fact stopped him and said – “What are you doing with a woman that fine? You know you can’t handle alla that.”   Which of course made me blush.

at the end of the day, it’s all so very fascinating.  it could be that here in he city i live the idea of beauty in the white community is extremely narrow.  it could be that perhaps i give off a different vibe when i’m in those settings.  or, it could be that black men just like me and my look.  i am told often that i look kind of african.  i haven’t decided how i feel about that (or what that really means).   i also know that i joined this dating website that is primarily white, and basically got no hits, no winks, nothing, nadda.  i joined a black one, and 4 days later i had 600 hits, more notes, invites, winks and blah blah blah than i could realistically manage.

i guess at the end of the day, the real message is that if i want to be with someone, i should stick to black men. 

yeah so i don’t really think i’ve got a handle any more on this whole dating thing.

the guy mr eyes can’t figure out why i simply just don’t want to talk to him anymore. i’m offiically uninterested. the thing is, he owes me a pair of boots. (long story, but he took me on a date where mine got ruined) i don’t have enough she-game to keep him on the back burner and still get the boots is the thing.

okay. so yesterday my fling from up north came down for work to a city about an hour away from where i live. i ventured up to see him. on the way mr. eyes calls and wants to discuss the current state of affairs and why i’m not as warm to him as he wants me to be. i’m just. not. that. into. you. is all i keep wanting to say. well. actually, what i really want to say is, I WANT MY BOOTS AND THEN I CAN SAY GOODBYE AND LET THE MISERY BE OVER. he’s just not that interesting of a person. i feel no emotional connection to him. i know, in fairness i owe him some sort of explanation. i am just ill-equipped to know what exactly that should be.

meanwhile, the newest guy is waiting for me at his hotel room. i like him enough. i hate that we live in two different cities because if he lived here i think i’d be able to spend enough time around him to get to know him. as it stands now i really don’t know enough about him to call it.

hmmmm.

ok well needless to say, i didn’t sleep AT ALL last night. so now, i’m exhausted and am too tired to make a really good “continuing to catch up” posts. i don’t know if i’ll ever really get all the way up to speed.

so. good night.

…..yeah…i’ve got lots to catch up on here… when there’s lots for me to communicate, i typically revert to bullet points.  not that my list is in any way thorough – in fact, it’s pretty much random.

1. i now have a cat.  the ex (yes THE EX) gave him to me for my birthday late last year.  he’s pretty.  he’s gray.  and he’s officially turned me into the single thirty year old who talks to her cat.  oh and he talks back.  ALOT.
2. i am jobless again (per the previous post).  i took the chance with the non-profit – that rolled into another job that i had a love/hate relationship with.  now, it’s all over and i’m scared shitless.  i have no idea how i will make it.  when i go in for interviews at employment agencies or in corporate america they are always so very shocked that someone such as myself is having such a hard time finding employment.  i have no answer to this.  economic crisis? the universe?  i have no idea.
3. i almost had a new boyfriend.  i’ll have to describe him in more detail later (but i’ll nickname him mr. eyes), but needless to say, I had to get rid of him.  i had fun dating him, but call me crazy – if i’m going to be in a serious relationship, this person has to qualify in some pretty basic areas.  oh, and i have to have an emotional connection.  otherwise, i think i’m happier by myself.
4. my best friend from high school, who is also bi-polar, had a baby with a man.  up until a few months ago, she didn’t know who the father was.  recently, she was caught selling presriptions illegally (she works in a pharmacy).  i’m very upset with her for this.  now, who’s going to take the baby?  her mother’s crazy, her sister already has 3 kids…. my goodness.  the baby’s father is a druggie.  how she got to this point in her life i will never know.
5. i have a second guy that i’m seeing (who i’ll nickname “sheets”) who doesn’t live in the same city as me.  he’s really cool, but the distance has caused me to lose interst/passion about it all.  he’s coming this weekend (for work) and we’re going to spend time together.  i want to be more excited than i am.  i think i’m doing some sort of self preservation thing, because at the end of the day, i don’t think i’m really excited about the idea of a long-distance relationship with a man i’ve never lived in the same city as.
6. i really like barak obama so far.  i hope the pressure of having to be the best ever, and the savior of our current situation doesn’t create a situation for failure.  i was so elated that i got to go to the inauguration.  even though the tickets my congressperson wound up giving me were worthless.
7. i am wondering if the fake psycic from the previous post was actually right about the soul mate i’m supposed to meet in february.  it seems possible now, seeing as i’m not working (he was supposed to be someone i work with), and hopefully i will be by then.
8. i have fallen in love with the ethnic diversity on cnn.  it’s quite beautiful really.  i want to ask that one correspondant, Don Lemon.  see, he looks like the kind of guy who’s straight-laced at work, but could be FUN outside of work.  is he married?  i dunno.
9. i really really really really really want to go to japan for my 30th birthday.  as a poor, educated, jobless woman i have no idea how that will be possible.  but sranger things have happened to me.  it’s totally doable.
10. i haven’t told my parents i’m jobless.  i have no idea how to tell them, when from day one of my starting in this industry, they told me they had major objections.  and, ever since i’ve worked in this industry, they’ve begged me to find ways to do something else instead.  ugh.  they’re not right.  they’re not right.  they’re not right.  there has got to be some wonderful opportunity the universe has waiting for me, right?
11. i have a love/hate relationshp with online dating.  all the guys are either 1 – sex feinds fishing for ass with as little effort but as much speed as possible or 2 – social deviants who can’t find any friends in the real world.  i intend (ugh, let’s hope i follow through on that) to do a whole post on this topic.

^

|

(me)

whew.  i think that’s it for now.  i have more job surfing to do.  ….

I went to this thing tonight where a writer gets up and talks about the profession, how they got into the biz, etc.

It is these kinds of events that give me hope, inspire me to keep pushing, keep writing.  I have sooo many things going on in my life.  Projects, ideas, endeavors, etc.  All of then, thought of, in a fit of frustration with not being able to write, and a desire to find the time, money, and energy to do it all day.

What I wish, so bad, so bad, was that there were writer’s colonies where a benefactor of some sort would put you up, and you just spend your days writing.  You know, like the old artist days?  I imagine a world where someone just liked the idea of a writer so much that they’d pay their bills while they sat and created geniusness.  That the world worked that way, I’d be so down to do the work.  Instead, I temp, explore Master’s degree programs, try to unearth some other possible talent I have so that I can afford to have time to write.

Tonight I realized something about myself.  When I’m writing regularly and able to work through my sparks of creativity, it seems like other things in my life are easier to handle, I have more of a desire to work out, I’m bubblier, I feel alive.   I feel immense guilt at complaining over being jobless, because really, when I’m jobless, my head is clear enough to get the good stuff out.  To be truthful, at this point in my financial life,  being jobless really only means that I’m not writing because I’m spending all day looking for the job that will allow me to keep a roof over my head and a meal or two.  However, somehow, I have more energy to stay up all night to pound out a few lines, paragraphs or pages.

yeah, i’ve been missing in action. i always want to post, and have somuch to say, but then get distracted…. i hope to post something real soon.

arg.

i keep thinking about how right now i’m finally in the mood for something real.  like relating to someone on a real level – without all the bullshit and able to just be.  you know?

the sad thing is i think that’s what everybody is looking for.  which is what makes it all so hard.

see i want to be fabulous.  not just okie doke.  i have big plans, big dreams, and intend to accomplish all of them.  i want someone ready to go along for the ride as we share in the adventure.  i want them to want to be fabulous too, but not be in the least intimidated or feel slighted or neglected.  we support each other on the crazy ride we call life.

that’s seemingly impossible to find.  i know it’s out there.  it has to be.

it’s just that every guy i meet is either really just a slacker, or can only handle a woman whose whole life centers around them.  it’s so frustrating, because there is something stirring in me right now.  it’s hard to describe.  but all i can say is that i’m ready for something new.

***********

i saw a psychic for the first time last week.  i think she was a fraud, and i wish i had the guts to walk out without paying her.  but this is what she promised (which on the surface seems impossible)

1 – i will meet my soulmate at work in 6 months. we will meet and be together very quickly. well, all the men in my office are gay.  and very gay.  when i pointed that out, she kept saying no – you will work with him….maybe there’s a project you’ll be working on?  ……i guess that’s………..possible. but still.  highly doubtful.

2 – there are 3 “souls” who have offered to be my children should i decide to have them

3 – i was a mean, awful person in my past life, and my frustrations in this life are my pennance for my uncaring attitude in the last.  the first of which being that i was born a black woman in america.  i just didn’t have it in me to ask her if this meant that all the black people in the world were people who lived awful past lives, and if being born black was the universe’s curse.  rather than being combative i settled for her further explanation that i was apparently wealthy or something because i invested a lot in art. whatever.

since i can’t confirm any of this, i have no opinion about it.  everything else she said i really think she just based on the questions she asked me.  i do believe that there are people with psychic ability, but i don’t think lady had any.  she came highly recommended, and apparently has been doing this for 40 years.  i’mma go with a on this one.

**********

i have to admit, sometimes i get sick of other people. like, i just want to be left alone and it takes too much energy to keep up with folks and their idiosyncrasies.  i get that this is completely hypocritical seeing as i’m pretty strange myself.  but see, i always seem to get in these moods where i just alienate myself.  i don’t really pick up the phone.  i don’t really go out of my way to see people, and i enjoy being alone in my apartment.  like today.

i spent all day alone.  i didn’t see anyone and i feel bad because i’d promised one friend i’d stop by today.  he called to double check i was coming but.  i just couldn’t.  i was too happy by myself.  and then there’s this other friend i have.  sometimes, it just takes too much energy to keep up with them.  even just in conversation.  so.  i just don’t answer the phone.  i feel guilty when i do this, but today i  can’t deal.

*********

can we please say goodbye to kid rock?  please?  why?  who likes him?  i’m very curious to know.  and why is he popular?

*******

i keep having this nagging thought that i’m going to die young.  why is this?  i’ve never had premonitions of any kind before.  it’s prolly just ridiculousnes.  but still, this thought in combination with my weird stirring energy has just got me in an all-around weird mood.  maybe i’ll go get a glass of wine?

*******

i would love to go on a date with lupe fiasco.  he seems like a cool guy.

i’m sure he could find something to do with his day if i wanted to be alone.

ps – i think cee lo wears dentures.  veneers at least.  i love his voice but he is very unsexy to me.

i keep debating whether or not to delete this whole blog.  ugh.  can’t decide.

well, i should say that my professional life has taken an interesting turn.  i’m busy.  crazy busy!  and things all seem to be going pretty well.  i, for once, and for just right now kind of like my job.  we shall see what it all really means going forward.  but today i like it.  i have responsibility.  i am allowed and encouraged to be creative.  i work normal hours.  if i were paid more, it’d be the the most perfect set up in the whole wide world i tell ya.

i had a talk with a close friend today about having kids, the future, relationships, etc, and basically, i’ve come to the conclusion that i see no purpose for me to have kids.  i can’t in all honesty, think of  reason that would make me really want to have that experience.

last night was kind of crazy.  but i’m so tired that i can’t stay up long enough to get through the story to tell you.  let’s just say it started with a pot brownie, somehow wound up being about reading comic books in borders until they closed at 11p, and ended up being about my friend trying to dodge being hit on by her landlord’s boyfriend with us on our adventure.  INFRONTOFSAIDGIRLFRIEND!!!!!  we were both too wasted to be able to do anything about the whole affair.  but he was sober and had no excuse.

if i remember tomorrow, i’ll post the rest.

ttyl